BAFTA Awards — live from London

BEST FILM: “Slumdog Millionaire”

I bow to no one in my love for the Rolling Stones, but even so, what the hell is Mick Jagger doing presenting this award? Anyway, as if you hadn’t guessed already, “Slumdog” inevitably takes the gold, completing what I think must be the largest BAFTA sweep in some years. (Or one of the largest ever? I’ll need to check the books on that.)

BEST ACTOR: Mickey Rourke, “The Wrestler”

I was confident Rourke would win here, given that “The Wrestler” has built such a surprisingly high profile on these shores. (“Milk,” on the other hand, couldn’t be less visible.) Even so, there’s always a little thrill of the unexpected about seeing Rourke in contexts like this.

He rocks the house once again with another wonderful speech — funny, off-the-cuff, just the right side of lewd, and best of all, he’s comfortably, completely himself. And he squeezes in a few F-bombs in for good measure. Great, great stuff. I’m not a begging man, AMPAS, but please, for the sake of both art and entertainment, please give the man an Oscar.

BEST ACTRESS: Kate Winslet, “The Reader”

Daniel Craig barely bothered to enunciate which film she’d won for. I assume it was “The Reader,” since she’s thanking Minghella and Pollack. I feel a little bad for Winslet — she’s so obviously trying to rein it in here, she comes off a little stiff and over-rehearsed. This is the damage the merciless British press can do. But she’s clearly pleased, so … good job, I guess. (What was with that clip choice, though? Is “I’ll have what you have” really one of her best lines?)

BEST DIRECTOR: Danny Boyle, “Slumdog Millionaire”

Every time I think I’m a little bored of Boyle winning everything this year, he gives such a humble, grateful and gosh-darn-likeable speech (complete with a cheeky, impromptu “I love you, Dad!” shout-out from his own son) that I’m reminded of why I love the man. Great stuff. Go collect your Oscar, Mr Boyle. Do not pass ‘Go.’

ORANGE RISING STAR AWARD: Noel Clarke

In a spectacular bit of irony, last year’s Rising Star winner Shia LaBeouf presents, and displays such gormless lack of charisma (not to mention questionablwe autocue skills) you wonder how anyone confused his name with the term ‘star’ this time last year.

Anyway, Noel Clarke wins, and if you’re wondering why (or indeed, who Noel Clarke is), please see my predictions. Yeah, I’ll work the smug angle for a minute. I don’t get to do this often.

Our slow, overcrowded server prevented me commenting on the last two awards, so it’s just as well that they were two of the most inevitable (and of course, well-deserved) calls of the night. Bonus points to BAFTA for picking Brad Pitt’s priceless “security of your shit” line for his “Burn After Reading” nomination clip.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Heath Ledger, “The Dark Knight”

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Penelope Cruz, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”

James McAvoy is a movie star. Fact. So why isn’t his IMDB profile stuffed to the gills with glittering upcoming projects? Make it happen, people. Anyway, in his thoroughly endearing Scottish burr, he reveals that the winner is Penelope Cruz. Try and hide your astonishment. In any case, she looks great in a classy, Hepburn-channeling black number, gives a composed, sincere speech and appears genuinely moved. I’d be more than happy with a repeat performance in two weeks’ time.

9.03pm Oh dear, Jonathan Ross jokingly alluded to his film-critic credentials and absolutely no one in the audience laughed — or even appeared to get the reference. What dirt does he have on the powers that be at BAFTA that ensures he keeps getting this gig?

BEST BRITISH FILM: “Man on Wire”

Sharon Stone (huh?) presents the award to a stunned-looking James Marsh. If he’d read my predictions yesterday like he should have, he wouldn’t be so surprised. Finally, an intelligent call on my part. I had to luck into one eventually.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: “I’ve Loved You So Long”

As it turns out, you didn’t need to shut me up about Pinto, as arrival of the even more beautiful (tonight, anyway) presenter Marisa Tomei did it for you. Seriously, she looks the best she’s looked all season.

And, as if that didn’t make me happy enough, BAFTA makes absolutely the right call for “Best Film Not In The English Language.” (Seriously, how lumpy can a category name get?) Philippe Claudel’s masterpiece may have been the logical winner here, but I seriously thought BAFTA would fall for the trendier appeal of “Waltz With Bashir.” I love that they think for themselves sometimes. Good job.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Michael O’Connor, “The Duchess”

Well, of course. You didn’t really think anything else was going to win here, did you? With that out the way, can we once more talk about how gorgeous presenter Freida Pinto is, whose beauty has been one of the most inexhaustible pleasures of the season? No? OK, I’ll shut up then.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Martin McDonagh, “In Bruges”

In his second, and moderately more justified, application of the adjective “uncanny,” Ross introduces Frost/Frost, or if you prefer, Michael Sheen and David Frost himself. Their banter is excruciating, so I won’t make you suffer through it again. (Interesting aside: Why does BAFTA modify the “Changeling” scribe’s name to “Joe Michael Straczynski.”)

Anyway, McDonagh’s win is no surprise whatsoever — surely not as much as it would have been two months ago — but no less delightful and deserved for it. Has any other film this season completed such an impressive turnaround in momentum? I love proxy Brendan Gleeson’s apology to “the natives of Bruges.”

Jason Isaacs arrives to present the Michael Balcon Award for Outstanding British Contribution to Cinema, otherwise known in more abbreviated form as the Bathroom Break. It goes to Pinewood/Shepperton Studios and it’s well-deserved, but I must apply more bandages to my cheese-grater-shredded finger. See you in a few.

CARL FOREMAN AWARD: Steve McQueen, “Hunger”

Best laugh of the night comes when Ross introduces presenter Thandie Newton by referring to her “uncanny” performance as Condoleezza Rice in “W.” I don’t think he meant it as a joke, but I’m still wiping the tears from my face. Onto happier, and more serious, matters, McQueen (nattily dressed, I must say) wins and justice is done. Hooray!

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Simon Beaufoy, “Slumdog Millionaire”

Amy Adams presents. “Slumdog” wins. Seriously, what else is there to say?

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Anthony Dod Mantle, “Slumdog Millionaire”

Here to present Best Cinematography, please welcome Christian … oh, you so wanted Jonathan Ross to say “Bale,” didn’t you? Anyway, it’s Christian Slater (where’s he been?), and “Slumdog” wins again, in what’s turning into an uncharacteristic sweep for BAFTA.

BEST MAKEUP & HAIR: “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”

Okay, now we get to Makeup. And another unexpectedly expected (if you know what I mean) win for “Button.” I’m running 1-for-4 in my predictions. Good times!

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN: “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”

Ross announced that the Makeup award was next, but it seems presenters Matthew McFadyen and Emily Mortimer had a different memo. Pleasantly shambolic as always, then, BAFTA. Meanwhile, “Button” takes this prize, most likely en route to a repeat victory on Oscar night.

BEST SOUND: “Slumdog Millionaire”

Gemma Arterton appears again to present this one. Can someone explain what exactly I’m supposed to see in her? Answers (as always) on a postcard, please. Anyway, I’d say it’s a surprising result, but it is “Slumdog,” after all. So not really.

BEST MUSIC: A.R. Rahman, “Slumdog Millionaire”

Kylie Minogue (!) hands the gong to Rahman. Only BAFTA could put two such completely disparate pop icons on the same stage, and I kind of love them for it.

8.08pm Can I take this opportunity to point out the shot of a trampoline-jumping Sally Hawkins in the “Best of 2008” montage. Shame BAFTA didn’t agree with the editors there.

8.07pm More good-natured joshing at Kate Winslet about her speeches. God, the Brits won’t let this one go. Halle Berry should thank her lucky stars she isn’t British. She’d never have lived it down.

8.05pm “‘Mamma Mia!’ showed that the great Meryl Streep really can sing, and that Pierce Brosnan … was a really great James Bond.” Okay, I’ll give Ross that one. Well done.

8.03pm First clunky Christian Bale joke of the night. Um, yay?

8.00pm Right, we’re off. God, the Royal Opera House is beautiful. That’s one thing the Yank awards can’t take away from us. Unfortunately, Jonathan Ross has arrived to ruin the effect. Hang on.

7.55pm Okay, bear with us, folks. It seems there are a lot of you joining us tonight, and while we sure appreciate your company, it is slowing down the server a little. So if things get a bit freaky around here, you’ll know why.

Also, in an unrelated but gruesome cheese-grater mishap, I have somewhat impeded my good typing finger. Blogging and cooking simultaneously is not for the faint-hearted. Don’t fear, though — we’ll see it through.

7.31pm Let me just say this now: various winners will possibly be revealed elsewhere before they come up on the telecast, because BAFTA doesn’t know how to organise themselves. I’m not doing the spoiler thing, though — for one thing, I respect embargoes, and for another, why spoil the fun?

7.28pm “My daughter told me, ‘If you want a loser, get Dev Patel.’” Discussing the casting process for “Slumdog,” the effortlessly charming Danny Boyle accidentally hits upon the soundbite of the evening so far.

7.26pm Mickey Rourke, shabbily cool as always, shows the Winkleman a wallet photo of his chichuahua Loki’s father before sauntering off. “How cool is that!” the Winkleman exclaims. She means it too.

7.22pm The Winkleman finally hits upon a good question — she asks Kate Winslet what film she’d prefer to win for. Winslet startlingly replies, “Oh, ‘Revolutionary Road,’ of course. Everyone knows ‘The Reader’ is a load of overstewed goat’s bollocks.”

No, of course she doesn’t. She can’t possibly choose, she says. Yawn. (But deep down, I think we all know the answer.)

7.20pm Gemma Arterton is on screen, and not only did I struggle to figure out who she was for a while, I was decidedly underwhelmed once I did. People seem to be screaming for her from the sidelines, though. Am I middle-aged already?

7.15pm Goldie Hawn is still alive, y’all. Seriously, it’s reassuring news. When was she last sighted? She loves cats and dogs, apparently. Way to hedge your bets there, Goldie.

7.12pm Marisa Tomei looks like a goddess in what my expert fashion sensibility tells me is a, um, silver dress. To whichever trivial gods we pray to in such circumstances, please let her win so we can see her on stage.

7.08pm Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are once more talking about how normal, beautiful and in love they are. Well, not exactly, but that’s the gist I get every time they open their mouths. But there’s good news — Jolie is wearing a smokin’ hot, cleavage-displaying gown instead of the ‘potato-sack chic’ she’s favoured on the red carpet as of late.

And Jolie is not afraid of the dentist, she reveals. Good to know.

7.06pm Jonathan Ross is talking on the red carpet. I want to switch channels, but if I do that every time he appears, I’ll miss the entire show since he’s kinda the host. I’m trying to stay strong.

7.03pm Daniel Craig is presenting Best Actress. He’s immensely dapper and rather dour. I don’t really have anything to add.

7.00pm Finally, the “official” red carpet coverage begins, and we’re in the adorable hands of Claudia Winkleman. (Yes, fellow Brits, I have a weird crush. Don’t ask.) Why they don’t do this live is anyone’s guess.

6.55pm Why must the BBC scatter this evening’s BAFTA coverage across four different channels? Because we like a challenge? What’s in it for us?

6.45pm There is live red-carpet coverage on the BBC news channel right now, but it’s difficult to discern much of interest between the copious umbrellas and the BBC news team’s endearingly uninformed commentary.

Oh, there’s Freida Pinto. She’s hot. But you knew that.

6.00pm (GMT): I could have said “Live from the BAFTAs,” but that would be an outright lie. I am actually snugly ensconced on my living-room sofa, a couple of miles from the action — but “Live from Stoke Newington” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

Anyway, the red carpet fun starts in an hour’s time (the ceremony itself begins at 8pm GMT/12pm PST), so join me then. Shock of all shocks, a light grey drizzle has just started in my corner of the city, so let’s see how Hollywood’s great and good cope with that. (Brangelina and Meryl Streep, among others, will all be in attendance, I hear.)

I’m off to brew some tea and buy some booze. (If you’re familiar with tonight’s emcee Jonathan Ross, you’ll know why I need the latter.) In the meantime, check out my failsafe (ha!) predictions. See y’all in an hour.