Amy Schumer asks Hollywood 'don't show any more Kevin Hart movies'

Posted by · 11:32 pm · April 23rd, 2015

LAS VEGAS – CinemaCon wrapped up its fifth year with their version of the Hollywood Film Awards, a fake awards show where the winners were predetermined and picked by studio lobbying and, um, who was available.  This year's winners included Best Actress Oscar champ Julianne Moore, Francis Lawrence, Elizabeth Banks, the cast of the “Fantastic Four,” Rose Byrne and Paul Feig (who had his “Spy” actor Bobby Cannavale walk on stage and throw a pie in his face).  The, cough, winners who really stole the show, however, were Amy Schumer, Kevin Hart and Paul Rudd.

Because the show isn't broadcast and it's unlikely video will ever be released, what better way to end our CinemaCon coverage with some of the best acceptance speeches of the night.  Let's begin with “Trainwreck” star Schumer who won Breakthrough Performer of the Year and had the funniest overall speech of the night.

“You guys, let's get very real right now.  First off all, NATO.*  I've always been such a huge fan of you guys,” Schumer says.  “Like, I just learned you guys are called NATO, but I love that you show movies because a movie theater is the first place I was ever fingered.  (Laughs.) Coincidentally, also the last place.” (Laughs.)

*NATO stands for National Association of Theater Owners

Schumer continues, “Look I'm new to Hollywood, obviously. I haven't gotten an eating disorder yet, but I already feel like I want to ask you guys a favor if it's not too much.  If you could only show 'Trainwreck' this summer. I mean, I know you have other movies. I know you guys don't let money run you. It's the heart.  And that's fine if you don't want do that, just don't show anymore Kevin Hart movies. (Laughs.)  Hear me out.  Hear me out.  I want to bring back our girls and give back Kevin Hart.”*

*We're not sure if this is a RuPaul's Drag Race reference, but if so, kudos Ms. Schumer.

“In all seriousness, I want to thank my publicist who has tried to leave me several times. I don't know why,” Schumer says. “My agent, Josh Katz, who took me sailing and almost killed me and my sister. I want to thank Universal, Donna Langley, Ron Meyer…other very important people.” (Laughs.)

“The theater owners! We had bad parents, my sister and I.  We snuck into so many movies,” Schumer says. “We would go see a movie and then we'd run into another theater and then you'd see another movie, so I'm sorry about that. (Laughs.) Always sneak booze in. Always. But, still. If I have a day I want to go see a movie. And, yeah, I never really thought about the theater owners. Now, I've met some of you and you're cool people. I didn't even know you existed and then we met today and we were drinking.  Two people from Memphis, you guys were cool. Texas chick was cool. I will come to every theater and have a drink with you. If you want that I'll do that.  You know who won't do that? Kevin Hart!  I know I need to wrap it up, which is something I've never done before…”

Schumer then invited her sister on stage who walked right up to the podium, grabbed her award and kept walking right off stage. 

Kevin Hart was on hand to accept the Comedy Star of the Year award.  Hart immediately went after the audience for how low energy they were.  (Only the CinemaCon crowd could stay seated for Julianne Moore who won what was basically a lifetime achievement honor).

“Yeah, let's turn down the energy in here,” Hart says. “You guys are on fire all night. How you guys bring it for everyone who comes up to this podium, stop the noise!  Shit. (Laughs)   You distributors know how to bring it, yeah!”

Hart then really begins, “First and foremost, thank you CinemaCon. This is great. This is nice. Before I say anything silly I want to say I understand the value of what you do, the value of what you bring to every actor and actresses' portfolio. We don't have a career without a place for people to see our content. I love you for that. I thank you for that.  I'm a millionaire because of that. (Laughs.)”

“I want to thank my company who are here, Hartbeat Productions,” Hart says. “If you guys don't know who they are, that's the one black row.  That's all my people there. It's three of us and Michael B. Jordan. We're representing African-Americans tonight.  We [expletive] brought it. We look good tonight.”

Hart then actually gets somewhat serious, adding, “Look man, I would love sit up here and play around tonight, but I'm actually can't play because I'm touched by what's going on.  My career is doing nothing but going upward and I don't want to jinx it. I think if I'm an asshole you guys may turn against me. (Laughs.)  I don't want that to happen. Right now you are all on my side and I don't look as cool as I thought I would behind this podium because you can't see my suit. (Laughs.) This is a waste of a suit right now. I thought you would [expletive] love it, but you can't see nothing. I look like a guy with just a [expletive] head.”  

Paul Rudd wrapped up the night winning Male Star of the Year.  Like Hart and Schumer before him, the “Ant-Man” star had realized just how silly the entire event really was.   

“When I got the E-mail that I had received this, that I got this award, I couldn't believe it,” Rudd says. “And this is true, when I received it there was no space between 'male' and 'star' so I read it as 'malestar.' (Laughs.) I didn't know what that was.  So, I googled it and apparently malester in Spanish means upset stomach.  So, CinemaCon has chosen me as Upset Stomach of the Year which makes sense.”

“I'm so touched. My whole team is here, minus Debbie Klein, my lawyer, who had some bullshit excuse about showing her son colleges.  Thank you Marvel and Disney. I mean, for paying for this (he winks at the crowd) and flying me out here and putting me in such luxurious accommodations and picking up the incidentals,” Rudd says as the crowd begins to laugh.

“I feel like I have to apologize for buying the giant block of porn and not the individual movie. (Laughs.) It was value call, but in hindsight I realize it was pushy. Too much.  More importantly, I feel I owe an apology to you, the theater owners, because porn is something that should be watched on a giant screen, in a crowded theater, filled with people who share common interests.”

And that was the biggest laugh of the night.

Rudd eventually noted, “My greatest experiences in my life was seeing movies in a movie theater. I remember the first movie I ever saw in a theater which was 'The Rescuers.' I heard a gasp, was that your first movie too? I remember the first rated R movie I ever saw which was 'Used Cars.'  But, I don't remember the first movie I ever watched on demand or on cable.”

And, as you'd expect, that line got the most spontaneous applause of the night.

Rudd continues, “I do remember the first movie I ever saw in a theater that I loved so much I stayed and watched it again.  That was 'Footloose' and I don't feel good about that at all. (Laughs.)  I don't know about that one. I guess that Ren McCormack did it, I guess, for me.”

“Finally, there are so many great movies coming out this year and so many great actors who have given great performances or are going to give great performances,” Rudd says. “I mean, George Clooney, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Tom Hanks – I just want to say to those guys – stick to it. It's not about the awards or the accolades. (Laughs.)  We're all just students of the game, really.  All this means is that I'm better than you this year. (Laughs.) Who knows, maybe you guys or one of those guys might just be up here and I will be the one in the audience ducking out halfway to catch 'Puppetry of the Penis.' (Laughs.)”

For more on CinemaCon, check out these individual reports:

Chris Pratt, 'Crimson Peak' and 8 other takeaways from Universal Pictures
'The Revenant,' 'Joy,' and 'The Martian' look like Oscar players for 20th Century Fox
Clint Eastwood says he didn't threaten to kill Michael Moore
'Zoolander' steals the spotlight from 'The Terminator' at Paramount's CinemaCon panel
'Magic Mike XXL' and a potential Johnny Depp comeback top WB's CinemaCon sneaks
Tom Cruise hung on to a plane eight different times for 'Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation'

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